*disclaimer-thing* This post is laced with sarcasm and highly opinionated views. If you think this is offensive, that's your problem, not mine.
Stand aside, Rebecca Black: Friday has been equaled and, indeed, surpassed in awfulness. It is so bad, in fact, that I fear that linking it will actually destroy my computer. And so, without further adieu, I shall methodically rip apart...
Hot Problems.
Let's start with a bit of background on it. First, it was written in two hours. Two. Fracking. Hours. Even Friday was written over the course of a night!
Now, the beginning of the song. The first thing you notice is that there IS NO BASS PART. As a result, the song already has a rather... tinny sound. And then the vocals start. Oh Gawd, the vocals. The singers are two teenage girls, who also happen to make up the entire band. They don't even sing; they simply speak in a horrible monotone. The lyrics are a non-rhyming mess of words about how attractive the girls think they are. "You see my blond hair/my blue eyes..." I'm sorry, but that describes roughly half of the teenage girls in my area. That does not make you special. You are AVERAGE.
Suddenly, these words float out of one girl's mouth: "But I have a big heart". Really? Pardon me if I'm wrong, but the fact that you're insisting that you're attractive has led me to believe that you are, in fact, an insecure narcissist.
Enter the second verse, sung by the other girl. "Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm hot". Yes, of course. Because we wouldn't have known that had you not rubbed it into our faces 2.8 million times. "Weird guys call on the phone/and girls call me names" Oh, yes. Nevermind anyone else's problems; your enormous ego is being deflated by girls who call you names? Oh, the humanity!
And now the chorus, if you can call it that. . "Hot girls, we have problems too/we're just like you/except that we're hot" So you're at my level on the social ladder... except you're so far above me that I go completely unnoticed. Makes perfect sense. "The whole world needs to open their eyes". How about YOU open your eyes and come out of your delusional state of mind? "And realize/we're not perfect and sometimes we lie". Oh wow, you lie. Moreover, you think you're being "naughty" or whatever by lying. No sarcasm here: That's just pathetic.
Time for the third verse. "I got the looks/I got the butt/but those things don't make me a slut". Hold on... WHAT? Surely it must have made it into your improbably thick skulls that there's quite a thick line between 'mildly attractive' and 'sex worker'. "Boys call me stuck-up/girls call me conceited". Considering your idiotic, self-centered personalities, they're treating you NICELY.
Update: It's been a month since I last wrote about this ungodly boil on the face of music. I edited some things and added other things to the above few paragraphs, but now I must finish what I've begun. At 11:30 PM.
Re:Update: No. Just no. I opened the song, then immediately closed it. I'm not making that up. I will publish this unfinished mess if it means not having to listen to that abomination. Slow death would be preferable to that horrible, horrible... THING. The beat is boring and tinny, the singers are awful and the lyrics are unbelievably terrible. I am never, for as long as I live, listening to that evil again.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Thursday, June 7, 2012
An Indiana Jones Game
I'm back! Funny thing is, I wrote 6 blog posts over the past 3 months, yet never published them.
Over the course of my 12-year gaming career, I have acquired something like a hundred games on consoles ranging from Atari to PS3. Only one of these games is based on the Indiana Jones series. And so, enter Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb. I've had this for probably the past decade, but this blog enables me to pour out my (somewhat shriveled) heart. And so I shall attempt to review... this... game.
Alright, first things first: The game was released in 2003 to fairly positive reviews, except for the PS2 version (which was hastily ported from the Xbox), which is glitchier and less polished than its counterparts on Xbox and PC.
It takes place in 1935, just before the events of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom(which, as we all know, is terrible).
Next thing: This game is hard as hell. I know I'm overusing the hard games (2 in a row), but it's true. Your attacks generally do very little damage, yet guns are a 3-hit kill. I guess they're trying to be "realistic", but come on. I want to be grabbing idols and swinging across chasms, not slowly whittling down the health of a single enemy.
The boss fights, however, are something of a joke - you beat a 50-foot long crocodile by simply luring it to your position and trapping it behind a gate. You also beat a 10-foot tall man fueled by whatever steroid the Nazis are pumping into him by simply throwing beakers of an (apparently highly potent) acid. So on and so forth, for 8 worlds.
Fortunately, the levels are quite impressive. Sri Lanka, Prague, Istanbul, and China are all locations in which the game takes place, and are rendered quite nicely for 2003. The levels have a decent bit of variety, with chasms that require up to 3 or 4 whip-swings to cross, walls that require explosives to clear, and often-confusing puzzles.
Finally, I just thought I should mention this: I still haven't beaten it. It probably has something to do with my procedure for playing hard games. What is this procedure, you may or may not be asking? Here it is in instructional form.
1: Play game for two hours.
2: Get stuck.
3: Try to pass section with ancient, beaten-up strategy guide.
4: Somehow fail. Miserably.
5: Turn off PS2.
6: Wait for a year.
7: Rinse and repeat.
...Yeah. By the way, I'll be in Germany for the next three weeks, meaning I'll make even less progress on these than I normally do.
Over the course of my 12-year gaming career, I have acquired something like a hundred games on consoles ranging from Atari to PS3. Only one of these games is based on the Indiana Jones series. And so, enter Indiana Jones and the Emperor's Tomb. I've had this for probably the past decade, but this blog enables me to pour out my (somewhat shriveled) heart. And so I shall attempt to review... this... game.
Alright, first things first: The game was released in 2003 to fairly positive reviews, except for the PS2 version (which was hastily ported from the Xbox), which is glitchier and less polished than its counterparts on Xbox and PC.
It takes place in 1935, just before the events of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom(which, as we all know, is terrible).
Next thing: This game is hard as hell. I know I'm overusing the hard games (2 in a row), but it's true. Your attacks generally do very little damage, yet guns are a 3-hit kill. I guess they're trying to be "realistic", but come on. I want to be grabbing idols and swinging across chasms, not slowly whittling down the health of a single enemy.
The boss fights, however, are something of a joke - you beat a 50-foot long crocodile by simply luring it to your position and trapping it behind a gate. You also beat a 10-foot tall man fueled by whatever steroid the Nazis are pumping into him by simply throwing beakers of an (apparently highly potent) acid. So on and so forth, for 8 worlds.
Fortunately, the levels are quite impressive. Sri Lanka, Prague, Istanbul, and China are all locations in which the game takes place, and are rendered quite nicely for 2003. The levels have a decent bit of variety, with chasms that require up to 3 or 4 whip-swings to cross, walls that require explosives to clear, and often-confusing puzzles.
Finally, I just thought I should mention this: I still haven't beaten it. It probably has something to do with my procedure for playing hard games. What is this procedure, you may or may not be asking? Here it is in instructional form.
1: Play game for two hours.
2: Get stuck.
3: Try to pass section with ancient, beaten-up strategy guide.
4: Somehow fail. Miserably.
5: Turn off PS2.
6: Wait for a year.
7: Rinse and repeat.
...Yeah. By the way, I'll be in Germany for the next three weeks, meaning I'll make even less progress on these than I normally do.
Monday, April 2, 2012
Super Mario Bros. 3
I recently got an NES, and with it came Super Mario Bros. 3 (in case you haven't read the title). Compared to my Atari 2600, the graphics are insanely good. In fact, everything's good about it: Controls are perfect, only marred by my faulty controller, on which only left, up, and down work on the D-pad. Right simply refuses to work unless pushed with around 3.8 million pounds per square inch.
SMB3's gameplay is challenging and yet not frustrating... who am I kidding, the game's harder than spitting into a shotglass whilst riding on top of a car. I can't make it past level 2 without losing two-thirds of my lives. An example: In the FIRST FRACKING LEVEL, I pick up a super mushroom, grab a Koopa shell and use it to get the raccoon-powerup-thing (not the Tanooki suit). 5 seconds later, a jumping Goomba comes out of nowhere, and takes away my hard-earned powerups! ARGH. And from what I've (metaphorically) heard, the difficulty only increases.
Another odd thing is that the game makes very little sense. Let's see: It starts with curtains being raised to reveal the startup screen. Then, whilst still IN the startup screen, you see floating platforms. This would be dismissible as suspension of disbelief, except said platforms are somehow bolted to the sky. Oh, and there are moving platforms bound to what appears to be a slit in the background. Finally, at the end of each level, Mario enters a strangely black place with white-outlined scenery. From all of this, the only credible conclusion that I can come to is that the entire game is merely a play designed to entertain you, the audience. The moving platforms must be powered by machinery hidden behind the set. And the blackness is Mario exiting stage right. Or... maybe it really doesn't make any sense.
But apart from all the little quirks (the game being stupidly hard and not making sense), it's still a great game.
SMB3's gameplay is challenging and yet not frustrating... who am I kidding, the game's harder than spitting into a shotglass whilst riding on top of a car. I can't make it past level 2 without losing two-thirds of my lives. An example: In the FIRST FRACKING LEVEL, I pick up a super mushroom, grab a Koopa shell and use it to get the raccoon-powerup-thing (not the Tanooki suit). 5 seconds later, a jumping Goomba comes out of nowhere, and takes away my hard-earned powerups! ARGH. And from what I've (metaphorically) heard, the difficulty only increases.
Another odd thing is that the game makes very little sense. Let's see: It starts with curtains being raised to reveal the startup screen. Then, whilst still IN the startup screen, you see floating platforms. This would be dismissible as suspension of disbelief, except said platforms are somehow bolted to the sky. Oh, and there are moving platforms bound to what appears to be a slit in the background. Finally, at the end of each level, Mario enters a strangely black place with white-outlined scenery. From all of this, the only credible conclusion that I can come to is that the entire game is merely a play designed to entertain you, the audience. The moving platforms must be powered by machinery hidden behind the set. And the blackness is Mario exiting stage right. Or... maybe it really doesn't make any sense.
But apart from all the little quirks (the game being stupidly hard and not making sense), it's still a great game.
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