Big Problems with Hot Problems

*disclaimer-thing* This post is laced with sarcasm and highly opinionated views. If you think this is offensive, that's your problem, not mine.

Stand aside, Rebecca Black: Friday has been equaled and, indeed, surpassed in awfulness. It is so bad, in fact, that I fear that linking it will actually destroy my computer. And so, without further adieu, I shall methodically rip apart...

Hot Problems.

Let's start with a bit of background on it. First, it was written in two hours. Two. Fracking. Hours. Even Friday was written over the course of a night!

Now, the beginning of the song. The first thing you notice is that there  IS NO BASS PART. As a result, the song already has a rather... tinny sound. And then the vocals start. Oh Gawd, the vocals. The singers are two teenage girls, who also happen to make up the entire band. They don't even sing; they simply speak in a horrible monotone. The lyrics are a non-rhyming mess of words about how attractive the girls think they are. "You see my blond hair/my blue eyes..." I'm sorry, but that describes roughly half of the teenage girls in my area. That does not make you special. You are AVERAGE. 
Suddenly, these words float out of one girl's mouth: "But I have a big heart". Really? Pardon me if I'm wrong, but the fact that you're insisting that you're attractive has led me to believe that you are, in fact, an insecure narcissist.

Enter the second verse, sung by the other girl. "Don't get me wrong, I know that I'm hot". Yes, of course. Because we wouldn't have known that had you not rubbed it into our faces 2.8 million times. "Weird guys call on the phone/and girls call me names" Oh, yes. Nevermind anyone else's problems; your enormous ego is being deflated by girls who call you names? Oh, the humanity!

And now the chorus, if you can call it that. . "Hot girls, we have problems too/we're just like you/except that we're hot" So you're at my level on the social ladder... except you're so far above me that I go completely unnoticed. Makes perfect sense. "The whole world needs to open their eyes". How about YOU open your eyes and come out of your delusional state of mind? "And realize/we're not perfect and sometimes we lie". Oh wow, you lie. Moreover, you think you're being "naughty" or whatever by lying. No sarcasm here: That's just pathetic.

Time for the third verse. "I got the looks/I got the butt/but those things don't make me a slut". Hold on... WHAT? Surely it must have made it into your improbably thick skulls that there's quite a thick line between 'mildly attractive' and 'sex worker'.  "Boys call me stuck-up/girls call me conceited". Considering your idiotic, self-centered personalities, they're treating you NICELY.

Update: It's been a month since I last wrote about this ungodly boil on the face of music. I edited some things and added other things to the above few paragraphs, but now I must finish what I've begun. At 11:30 PM.

Re:Update: No. Just no. I opened the song, then immediately closed it. I'm not making that up. I will publish this unfinished mess if it means not having to listen to that abomination. Slow death would be preferable to that horrible, horrible... THING. The beat is boring and tinny, the singers are awful and the lyrics are unbelievably terrible. I am never, for as long as I live, listening to that evil again.